I've always survived exams. I don't only survive exams, i actually pass exams... even when i think i can't. Sometimes i don't even know how i do it, i always procrastinate and study at the eleventh hour, and no matter how much of a disorganized and unfocused student i am, doing the things that i am not even interested in, i always, always pass. I think i have to give God the credit for that.
But now, i've never been more afraid than ever to face the exams, cause i just have this sick feeling that i won't be able to pass. Like during the midterms, i was so sure that i was gonna fail accounting. And i did. (but i didn't fail so bad, i needed only 2.5 marks to pass) Now i am doubting my whether i can pass finals. Am i being too paranoid?
And i'm not even doing anything to help myself. I should be studying, but look what i'm doing instead?
One thing i've realized about being in college and about living life as an imperfect human being, you can't do it alone. Oftentimes, our human strength is exhausted, we can't depend on our own strength to actually go through hardship. Well, maybe you can, but even if you can, that hardship of yours would be 100 times harder, and the burden would be 100 times heavier.
I know why my life has been so dull and meaningless lately. I know why i get depressed easily. I know why i get upset easily.
And i know why i doubt myself so much...
And i know why, i am so weak.
God is practically shut out of my life. No i don't mean for Him to be shut out, it's just that, i've never made time for Him. I never make the effort to actually communicate with Him. I don't reach out to Him.
He's so far away...
But i still go to church though. But that's only once a week... That's not enough. You need constant prayer. And constant scripture reading. I don't even do that :(
Most of the time God and Jesus, seems to be pretty much non-existent... I'm sorry.
So now what i actually need is to give my spiritual life a boost.
It's times like this i think that i really need God more than ever... but He's too far away. And i can't feel Him cause i am just so stained with sin. I'm filthy.
Jesus.....
I really, really need you right now.
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