funkyparadise's Xanga

Sleeping can be the most enchanting thing ever.

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:39:11 GMT

I had a dream last night. It was a vague one. But even though it was vague, what i felt was vivid. You were in there. You were wearing white, and had your electric guitar strapped on. You saw me. You put your guitar down, and walked towards me. You told me, that you had feelings for me, and informed me that you thought i had feelings for someone else. You explained why. & you explained how you thought i didn't like you. I listened. & I think somewhere in between the lines, i tried to tell you it was not true.

I told you i liked you too.

We hugged.

And there was another scene, where you sent me an sms, and told me you couldn't wait for me to come back from Miri to KK.

I woke up.

It was a very nice dream. I wish for it to last longer....

& suddenly all the emotions and feelings i invested for you once upon a time for 3 consecutive years, came to life.

& suddenly, i miss you...

If you read this.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 18:23:57 GMT

WARNING: This is an extremely emotional post. If you can't stand mushy stuff, DO NOT PROCEED.

To whom it may concern,

I just wanted to let you know, that sometimes the memory of what happened between us that night flashes back in my mind every now and then, and with it, is an emotional attachment. I know it happened agess ago. You probably don't even care. & I thought i didn't care. But I did. Why? It's simply because I care. I just care a lot about you. And I, believe it or not, actually like you. Quite a lot. I look forward to seeing you, despite the fact that i can barely bring myself to even look at you. I want to talk to you so badly, despite the fact that I try my best to avoid you. I care with what's going on with you and it took me a heartbreaking occurrence for me to realize that, you know? The night during the after-party, i saw you with a girl, and that's when... i realized. I was jealous.

You were the first person ever, in my entire life, to hold me like that. To put your arms around my waist, while i put my arms on your shoulders. To take my hand and slowly pull me to the dance floor. I remember how soft the palm of your hand was. And at that time, I didn't even know your name. You probably didn't know mine. All i know was, you were that guy from campus.

I do not know what got into me that night, i really, seriously, never do those kind of things, i don't simply do that to any guy. And when other guys try to do that to me, it just freaks me out. I wish it was you instead.

It was one of the best moments in my life, when we were dancing together.

I remember the time when you came right over to where i was sitting when i was alone during the after-party. I remember how you seemed so concerned about me, the questions you asked.. How i was going home. Was everything okay. You told me not to be alone. You told me to be safe. And you told me, that if i needed anything, i could just find you.

I started falling for you right there...

I guess during that very semester, our schedules didn't give a chance for us to run into each other often, to see you was like finding a needle in a haystack. Every time i saw you, it was so... overwhelming, and when you smiled at me, i thought i could die right there and then.

To be truthful, I wanted something to happen. I felt that something really could happen. I was hopeful, very hopeful.

Months passed, and after not seeing you in a long time, the feeling eventually died off. And i thought, what the heck. This guy's history.

UNTIL... you added me on facebook. Until you popped me an IM. Until you added me on MSN. Until we finally had a conversation.

And until you told me, that you enjoyed dancing with me that night, and would like to dance with me again.

I couldn't sleep that night because of you. All the things you said were massively ringing in my ear.

"I never had a chance to say this before, but i enjoyed dancing with you that night"

I officially died.

I remember everything you said. You asked me what race i was. You told me that i was pretty. And that i had that sweet look. I remember telling you that i was off to KL for vacation the next day, i remember telling you that i had to pack, and you said "Am i disturbing you?". Aww. I remember you asked me if i had a boyfriend. And after my reply i remember you said "Then i would like to dance with you again".

I was very happy.

But then, my mind took action. I was reading your blog one time, I read your love poems. And i was pretty shattered that the love poems you wrote were for another girl.

That's when i realized, that you are probably just one of those guys who's just smooth around on girls. I knew, that you were too good to be true.

As heart-shattering as it was, I just sort of... didn't take any action on my part to take anything between me nad you to a higher level. Because at that time i thought that i was probably not good enough for you. That you would never like a girl like me. That you would never want to be with me.

My insecurities and issues got in the way.

Now that it has been about a year plus, I realized what kind of person you are. You may be smooth around girls, but i have this gut in me that I know, you are genuine. That you are true. You've proved it somehow...My feelings started to grow again.

But then now, you are taken.

And probably, i don't stand a chance anymore.

I just want you to know, that the reason i seemed to be ignoring you for one whole semester, was mainly because of my insecurities. I couldn't look at you. I couldn't smile at you. Why? Because, like i've said before this, i thought that i wasn't good enough for you. I was shy. I was ASHAMED. I was hiding.

Deep down, i really really want to be friends with you. i really really wanna have normal dorky or goofy conversations with you... i don't think i've had a chance to experience that with you in real life.

So when it seemed like i was avoiding you because of negative reasons, it wasn't. I don't hate you. I'm not ashamed of you. I was just, trying to hide from you. Cause i was the one who is ashamed.

Now i know that there's a very minimal chance that you'll read this.

But if you ever do, i hope you don't freak out, cause i know emotional girls tend to freak guys out :P

*sigh*

I'm still hoping. And i love it when you wear that green-ish, blue-ish, turquoise-ish collared shirt with white horizantal stripes.

Much love,
The girl who still thinks about you.

Reaching out.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 16:10:17 GMT

I've always survived exams. I don't only survive exams, i actually pass exams... even when i think i can't. Sometimes i don't even know how i do it, i always procrastinate and study at the eleventh hour, and no matter how much of a disorganized and unfocused student i am, doing the things that i am not even interested in, i always, always pass. I think i have to give God the credit for that.

But now, i've never been more afraid than ever to face the exams, cause i just have this sick feeling that i won't be able to pass. Like during the midterms, i was so sure that i was gonna fail accounting. And i did. (but i didn't fail so bad, i needed only 2.5 marks to pass) Now i am doubting my whether i can pass finals. Am i being too paranoid?

And i'm not even doing anything to help myself. I should be studying, but look what i'm doing instead?

One thing i've realized about being in college and about living life as an imperfect human being, you can't do it alone. Oftentimes, our human strength is exhausted, we can't depend on our own strength to actually go through hardship. Well, maybe you can, but even if you can, that hardship of yours would be 100 times harder, and the burden would be 100 times heavier.

I know why my life has been so dull and meaningless lately. I know why i get depressed easily. I know why i get upset easily.

And i know why i doubt myself so much...

And i know why, i am so weak.

God is practically shut out of my life. No i don't mean for Him to be shut out, it's just that, i've never made time for Him. I never make the effort to actually communicate with Him. I don't reach out to Him.

He's so far away...

But i still go to church though. But that's only once a week... That's not enough. You need constant prayer. And constant scripture reading. I don't even do that :(

Most of the time God and Jesus, seems to be pretty much non-existent... I'm sorry.

So now what i actually need is to give my spiritual life a boost.

It's times like this i think that i really need God more than ever... but He's too far away. And i can't feel Him cause i am just so stained with sin. I'm filthy.

Jesus.....

I really, really need you right now.

Depressed.

Sun, 03 May 2009 15:20:00 GMT

I am back in Miri after my 1 week long escape from reality. I've said the same thing many times on my blogspot, I AM DEPRESSED.

Anyway, the same guy i talked about in my previous post said to me while i was back in KK

"I'm sorry I didn't get to spend time with you"

HAHAHA. Kinda cracks me up really.

You know, having developed feelings for someone is like a flower that grows out of soil. It all starts with a little seed, and with much care and nurturing, it grows.

AND SO, i have been trying to diminish my feelings for him, meaning to say, i just let the flower wilt. and die. Thing is, it's pretty hard, cause this flower is pretty strong i'm telling ya. hahaha :) Very healthy, very "subur", as said in malay. But i guess after time passes by, it dies eventually. Yeah, it's pretty much dead.

But i have to say that there is still that little seed underneath the soil.

Which is why i still sort of light up when i see him. :) But nah, the flower's pretty much dead. HAHA.

Just had the need to let that out.

I'm going to bed now.

Goodnight, to whoever reads this.

Befuddlement.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:10:53 GMT

Now i am not sure how many people read my xanga blog, but i do know that this blog is a blog where i WILL write about some of the emotions that i do not usually display, or write about openly, considering the fact that this blog is a less known one. And i have made up my mind, this blog, is where i will talk about guys. Cause i rarely ever do that on my blogs that are more exposed.

So at this very instant, i would just like to express something that has been on my mind. About this guy. Whom i have secretly harboured feelings for, for about 3 years. Yes, my feelings for him ARE fading away, and i don't think about him much. YES i am progressing well! (No, you can't forget someone you invested so much feelings for in just a snap)

And i met him just now. YES, i did. I was just passing by, he was in the car, and i was just giving a holla to one of our friends who were standing outside the car, and yeah. HE CAME OUT. Of the car. JUST, to.. greet me.. and shake my hand. and give me, a hug. and ask. "how are you?"

Now how on EARTH can you resist such care?? Especially when it comes to a person you are not completely over yet??

AND BOY if HIS girlfriend finds out she's gonna kill me. HAHAHA. At least i think so. I MEAN, COME ON. This dude is in a relationship. YOU ARE NOT supposed to be THAT friendly to any other girl besides your GIRLFRIEND right? Well i do know only players and casanovas do that, BUT he is not a player nor is he a casanova okay. seriously.

And i haven't even mentioned all the stuff he said during a wedding reception we happened to attend. If his girlfriend KNEW WHAT HE SAID, she's not only gonna shove her foot down his throat, but probably get into a cat fight with me HAHAHA! No, i'm not being melodramatic, neither am i exaggerating.

It is still much of a befuddling matter for my mind to comprehend WHY this guy got into this relationship with THAT girl. I don't get it. I JUST DON'T. I mean, she doesn't even look HIS type.

There were times i was convinced that YES, he did probably feel the same way. (oh god, how could you not especially if he has given you a FLYING KISS before? IN PUBLIC? and not only that... there many many many just UNCOUNTABLE indications to show!) But then at the same time, certain occurrences prove otherwise.

But whatever. That's history now.

So yeah.

I still get this nice and warm fuzzy feeling when and after i interact with him you know. I mean. I can't help it. He makes me feel... that way. And he's the only one who can.

*sigh*

I guess i should just stop thinking about this now. It's 3 am now, and YES, i have to sleept!

night people. :)

Nostalgia

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 17:29:37 GMT

I feel incredibly nostalgic. Been listening to songs that really bring back the sweet and wonderful old memories, making you reminisce like crazy. I would do anything to go back and re-live everything again. Anything.

Sometimes i just feel like crying, you know? I long for it so much, I yearn for it so much, that it actually makes me feel sad. Because i know i can never turn back. never.

But yes, i guess all i can do now is just cherish every single second in my waking moments, because i know one day in the future, i will be yearning for what i'm experiencing now. :)

I have to admit that i am not looking forward to go back to Miri, although there actually is a scintilla of excitement in me that is trying to spark, slowly. Sure, i am looking forward in meeting all my uni friends, and then have all the fun we can, again... but leaving KK... is just. sad. :(

I know, I know, i do come back to KK during sem breaks...it's just that, i hate goodbyes. i hate goodbyes SO much i'm telling you. Leaving everyone i love behind ALL OVER AGAIN, is painful. :(

And the ironic thing is, when i am in Miri, i don't want to go back to KK. Because i don't want to leave my uni friends. OH gosh. (-,-")

You know.

I am missing lifeteen a lot. I miss lifeteen badly. so badly.

But i guess i just have to MOVE ON. To lifeline. And i personally think that, that is a really difficult step to take. I'm not quite used to them yet, i actually feel quite shy (okay scratch that. i mean VERY shy) to attend their lifenites to be honest with you, although i have attended their lifenites before. Lifeline is full of amazing people, all burning the same passion for God... but. i'm not ready yet.

And to be truthful, one of the reasons why i haven't been to their lifenites this year, is because... when i eventually get used to to lifeline, i believe i am gonna love going to lifeline lifenites more than anything else, and with all the awesome people in there... and then, when i am just about to get the hang of things, i would have to leave for Miri by then. yes that's what i fear. loving what you love behind again.

UNLESS, i don't love lifeline, which is pretty much unlikely. haha. :)

And by the way, there is this certain someone whom i can't get out of my head. I don't know why! I mean, I don't know him that much, though i do know of his existence since way before, BUT... gosh he's giving me major stomach lurches and super adrenaline pumps. hahaha. We never talked that much, he's practically just an acquaintance of some sort, BUT i can't get him out of my head. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing because i can finally forget that other guy, and a bad thing because it's gonna be harder for me to leave for Miri. I'm telling you. HAIH. :(

I can't believe i actually still go to bed thinking of him, considering the fact that the last time we met was quite a while ago. Well you know me, if i don't see a crush for 3 days or more, with no means of contact or whatever, the feeling dies. SO IT IS PRETTY AMAZING IF YOU ASK ME. LOL.

But i'm only gonna secretly admire him because i don't think anything could actually materialize. HEHE. There are reasons why.

SO I GUESS, i am gonna end this now, cause it's getting kinda late. 2.25 am yo!

Goodnight people. :)

Amor

Wed, 21 May 2008 18:05:16 GMT

When i log on to friendster, i would occassionally browse through the bulletins posted on the bulletin board, even though most of the time i'd autonomously ignore the whole board, cause i know sometimes some bulletins are just crap. you know, CRAP like total 100% irritating, good for nothing C R A P. I only read

a) surveys done by friends

b) bulletins with attention-drawing titles (which may contain crappy content)

and

c) when i just feel like reading those random bulletins (that's how i know how crappy some bulletins can be)

Right now, it has something to do with option B. A bulletin entitled "Girl Language" posted by my cousin, drew my attention. And yes. It was probably one of the best 2 minutes of my life. 'cause it made me have this sort of warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

* * * * * * * * * *

Girl Language

When i don't call you,
It's because im waiting for you to
call me.

When i walk away from you mad,
Follow me.

When i stare at your lips,
Kiss me.

When i push you or hit you,
Grab me and don't let go.

When i start cursing at you,
Kiss me and tell me you love me.

When i'm quiet,
Ask me what's wrong.

When i ignore you,

give me your attention.

When i pull away,

Pull me back.

When you see me at my worst,
tell me i'm beautiful.

When you see me crying,
Hold me and tell me everything will
be alright.

When you see me walking,
Sneak up and hug my waist from
behind.

When i'm scared,
Protect me.

When i lay my head on your shoulder,
Tilt my head up and kiss me.

When i tease you,
Tease me back and make me laugh.

When i don't answer for a long time,
reassure me that everything is okay.

When i look at you with doubt,
Back yourself up.

When i say that i like you,
I really do more than you could
understand.

When i grab at your hands,
Hold mine and play with my fingers.

When i bump into you,
bump back into me and make me laugh .

When i tell you a secret,
keep it safe and untold.

When i look at you in your eyes,
dont look away until i do.

When i miss you,
im hurting inside

When you break my heart,
the pain never really goes away.

When i say it's over,

i still want you to be mine

* * * * * * * * * *

So i reposted it. not because of that stupid, if-you-don't-repost-this-you-will-*insert.unfortunate.event.here* threat they include at the end of almost every chain bulletin, but because i enjoyed this bulletin. this really nice bulletin.

But then of course, all those up there does not necessarily apply into every circumstance in a relationship. I mean, to think so is stupid, foolish, unwise, and naive.

All these lovey-dovey stuff are just beautiful gems that temporarily sparkle in courtship and romance. Things that naturally happen to make you and your partner bond. God designed us that way. Marriage has always been a plan for us, and before marrying, we must firstly develop feelings for another individual, where mutual attraction exist. But one should never go over board in these things. It will lead to sinful things. like PMS. no not pre-mestrual syndrome silly, i mean pre-marital sex.or of the like. But still, being in a relationship is not wrong, as long as you abide by your moral values and conscience.

I think one shouldn't have a whole negative outlook on being in a relationship. [yes darling, there ARE people who have such outlooks] When the time comes, the time comes. If it is God's will for you to be in relationship, then let it be. There's no need to rant about the "Study first, then i'll venture into love" kinda thing. well yeah, it is a practical thing for you to do, but seriously, what is wrong with being in a relationship, when you know you can still balance your studies and love life? [unless you can't then that's a completely different story] Like i said, when the time comes, the time comes. Everything will be okay when you handle things in moderation. Of course when you do get into a relationship, you don't abandon everything around you. I mean just because you are intoxicated in the ecstasy of love, it doesn't mean you should ignore your priorities in life [even if you are inclined to ignore. cause you know "love" can blind you. especially when you are weak]

So anyway you think all these lovey-dovey things happen when the infatuation dies? pfft. Think again.

This is why failed marriages exist. Couples tend to be blinded by thinking that being in a relationship, or rather getting married, is all about the feel-good feeling when they are together.

No it's not darling. Let reality smack you right on your face.

I think that one must think properly, contemplate deeply and choose the ab-so-freaking-lute-ly right partner, before getting married.

Kerna pernikahan itu adalah sesuatu yang amat suci, di mana dua hati bergabung menjadi satu.

okay, even though i know all these stuff, there still might be a chance i might go wrong somewhere. but that's just because we are all imperfect. so let us remind each other, hand in hand, that marriage is sacred, and when we get off-track, we'll lead each other into the right track =)

and i have developed this new mentality that one SHOULD NEVER JUDGE those who had pre-marital sex or got pregnant accidentally. I mean, come on. Like i said, we are all imperfect. Nanti ko sendiri terkena gitu macamana? Nah kau lagila MALU. haha. but oh, imperfection shouldn't be an excuse for you to do immoral acts.

I have SO many other things to say! but it's getting late (2.54am) so i guess i'll save it for another day. =)

And oh, i don't think girl language is the right title. It sounds rather... shallow.

HAHA!

I think it should just be called

"What a girl expects"

haha!

Adios amigo. Have a great day.

Webcaming with muh sista!

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 05:09:44 GMT

Since my sister now FINALLY has internet access at her apartment, and also since she FINALLY learned (kekeke ) how to install windows live messenger, we had a session of webcaming! And we also did a PC call, so then we could talk to each other! hahaha! it was FUN! Well it's not that i've never done this before, but it really is fun to do it with a family member who once lived with you but now isn't anymore.... hahaha...

hahaha!

Leaving home.

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 18:21:51 GMT

In the recent years of my life, i have never really been aware of the fact that i will someday, for sure, leave home. Of course, without any doubt i DO know that i will have to leave home one day, but i guess during those years i have just been too stuck in the mentality that leaving home would be a really really really long time from now. I have only been focusing only on what was going on then.

But now, it isn't gonna be a long time from now anymore.

I have grown attached to many things in the past 17 years, 3 months and 7 days. Attached to things that are so dear to me that detaching and letting go of everything would be something utterly painful for me to do, something which is somewhat beyond my strength, too heavy of a task for me to carry out.

So day after day, sunrise after sunset, this dread i have in me is slowly developing into something more than a mere emotion of distress. It's a sinking, depressing, worrying and a MAJORLY overwhelming feeling. And i have to admit, it does make me feel like crying.

I am trying my best to value and treasure all the time i have left in KK, the time where i am still under the care of my parents, still given money, still waking up to things that are familliar, still able to attend lifeteen lifenites every week, still able to play and be with my cats and basically, a period of time where i am still in my comfort zone, not designated to any serious responsibilites.

Every now and then i frustratingly question why leaving is SO frickin' difficult. I resent this so much, even though i know it is for the good of my future. I utterly loathe the fact that the only constant in life is change.

And for the first time in my whole entire life, i actually wished that lifeteen never happened. Because then, my burden of leaving would at least be lighter. But even so, i am truly grateful that i am part of the lifeteen family, cause without lifeteen, i wouldn't have had the chance to go through the many wonderful and enriching experiences i had during my 3 years++ of being with this family. And for me, lifeteen has achieved its vision cause lifeteen does bring me closer to Jesus, in so many ways. And at times when i fall, spiritual-wise, the lifenites conducted do remind me that God is actually there for me, all i have to do is perpend carefully to Him.

I am too stuck in my comfort zone, i am too afraid of moving forward, too afraid of stepping out into the world all on my own, not knowing what exactly to expect. I think too much too. And because of that, all those stupid and frustrating, negative "What if?" thoughts sprint through my head again, turning me into a really paranoid pessimist.

I am for sure going to miss A LOT OF THINGS, BADLY. I think a week before i leave i would already start weeping, bawling my eyeballs out of my eyesockets. My family, my friends, LIFETEEN!, my cats and my precious kitten, EVERYTHING about home, EVERYTHING about my life in Kota Kinabalu.

And what scares me most is the fact that i am going to be all alone. ALL ALONE i tell you, ALL ALONE. I am going to live with people i don't even know. I DON'T KNOW ANYONE, NOT EVEN A SINGLE PERSON, WHO'S GOING CURTIN UNIVERSITY TO STUDY TOO. Well the only few people i know who studies there is Aaron, but he's like a senior you know. And also this girl named Jessica but she too is a senior.

On a more optimistic note, i have heard from many that college/uni life will be one of the best experiences and periods of time in your life. Well that's one thing i'm looking forward to. I am also looking forward to meeting people from different countries [that is, IF i do have the chance] cause yeah, even though only Curtin Miri is only in Sarawak, it's still an international branch campus. Basically, i am sort of looking forward to campus life.

And i'm sure i would be experiencing more enriching things, be it bad or good.

Somehow i just have this feeling in my guts that i am in for something really interesting, at curtin uni.

And oh! I might even consider doing a 2+1, so i get to study at Curtin's mother campus, in Australia. wee~ (well that is ONLY IF i decide to do a 2+1)

You know what, one thing i'm surprised about myself and everything else is, how come i am so sure that i will be going to Curtin Uni? Cause TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, i have not sent in the application forms. HAHA. I think it's my dad. MY DAD THINKS THAT I AM GOING TO CURTIN, BY HOOK OR BY CROOK. (i think)

So that is why i am still hoping for somekind of divine intervention. An intervention that would make me stay here in KK until i am ready to leave. But.. chances are... almost zero i guess?

I have been thinking to myself. If i study here in KK, i would still be able to go to Sacred Heart Church, i would still be able to be actively involved with lifeteen (and probably be a sub-core member!) , i would still be able to hang out with my friends but then again i have thought to myself, if i don't go to curtin, then i would be missing out on a lot of things. New things that i have never experienced before.

*sigh*

I get confused in my own thoughts sometimes.

So to you guys out there, who are still in KK, not going anywhere, whether you're studying here or whatever, BE FRICKIN' GLAD that you are still here. Because even though all your life you have been eagerly waiting for the day that you would move out from home, there are still things that you have to let go of.

Detachment is SUCH a painful process.

April Fool's Day =)

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:19:13 GMT

My mum is having this bible sharing thingie at our house today, so yesterday i offered to cook chicken spaghetti for her guests. (Yes, i am that nice sometimes. hehe ) So we went out and bought the ingredients...the chicken mince, the cheese, the sauce, the pasta. And everything was all set for today. But then you know what? My mum left the chicken mince in the car last night and it turned bad overnight. BUMMER So i don't get to cook spaghetti! And i was so looking forward to cooking it! Oh well, nevermind. Maybe next time.

So instead, i helped my mum to grill (or rather roast) the chicken wings in the space oven wok. Well, it's some sort of oven which you could put stuff in and it just cooks. i think. All i know is it's some special wok, so if you put chicken wings in there, you're grilling it. And if you put nuggets in there, you're frying it. (But in actual fact, you're not doing anything cause all you have to do is just set the timer, and wait for it to cook. and you don't use oil!)

I just found out something! You can't view my blog if you're using Opera Browser. Gosh it's so frickin' annoying. Opera sucks when it comes to blogs. Seriously. My blog won't completely load! So if you want to read this blog of mine, please use anything that is NOT Opera. Internet Explorer would be good

OH YEAH!

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY DEAR CARMEN!

So i guess that's all for now. Toodles!