WARNING: This is an extremely emotional post. If you can't stand mushy stuff, DO NOT PROCEED.

To whom it may concern,

I just wanted to let you know, that sometimes the memory of what happened between us that night flashes back in my mind every now and then, and with it, is an emotional attachment. I know it happened agess ago. You probably don't even care. & I thought i didn't care. But I did. Why? It's simply because I care. I just care a lot about you. And I, believe it or not, actually like you. Quite a lot. I look forward to seeing you, despite the fact that i can barely bring myself to even look at you. I want to talk to you so badly, despite the fact that I try my best to avoid you. I care with what's going on with you and it took me a heartbreaking occurrence for me to realize that, you know? The night during the after-party, i saw you with a girl, and that's when... i realized. I was jealous.

You were the first person ever, in my entire life, to hold me like that. To put your arms around my waist, while i put my arms on your shoulders. To take my hand and slowly pull me to the dance floor. I remember how soft the palm of your hand was. And at that time, I didn't even know your name. You probably didn't know mine. All i know was, you were that guy from campus.

I do not know what got into me that night, i really, seriously, never do those kind of things, i don't simply do that to any guy. And when other guys try to do that to me, it just freaks me out. I wish it was you instead.


I remember the time when you came right over to where i was sitting when i was alone during the after-party. I remember how you seemed so concerned about me, the questions you asked.. How i was going home. Was everything okay. You told me not to be alone. You told me to be safe. And you told me, that if i needed anything, i could just find you.


I guess during that very semester, our schedules didn't give a chance for us to run into each other often, to see you was like finding a needle in a haystack. Every time i saw you, it was so... overwhelming, and when you smiled at me, i thought i could die right there and then.

To be truthful, I wanted something to happen. I felt that something really could happen. I was hopeful, very hopeful.

Months passed, and after not seeing you in a long time, the feeling eventually died off.  And i thought, what the heck. This guy's history.

UNTIL... you added me on facebook. Until you popped me an IM. Until you added me on MSN. Until we finally had a conversation.

And until you told me, that you enjoyed dancing with me that night, and would like to dance with me again.

I couldn't sleep that night because of you. All the things you said were massively ringing in my ear.



I remember everything you said. You asked me what race i was. You told me that i was pretty. And that i had that sweet look. I remember telling you that i was off to KL for vacation the next day, i remember telling you that i had to pack, and you said "Am i disturbing you?". Aww. I remember you asked me if i had a boyfriend. And after my reply i remember you said "Then i would like to dance with you again".

I was very happy.


But then, my mind took action. I was reading your blog one time, I read your love poems. And i was pretty shattered that the love poems you wrote were for another girl.

That's when i realized, that you are probably just one of those guys who's just smooth around on girls. I knew, that you were too good to be true.

As heart-shattering as it was, I just sort of... didn't take any action on my part to take anything between me nad you to a higher level. Because at that time i thought that i was probably not good enough for you. That you would never like a girl like me. That you would never want to be with me.


Now that it has been about a year plus, I realized what kind of person you are. You may be smooth around girls, but i have this gut in me that I know, you are genuine. That you are true. You've proved it somehow...My feelings started to grow again.

But then now, you are taken.

And probably, i don't stand a chance anymore.


I just want you to know, that the reason i seemed to be ignoring you for one whole semester, was mainly because of my insecurities. I couldn't look at you. I couldn't smile at you. Why? Because, like i've said before this, i thought that i wasn't good enough for you. I was shy. I was ASHAMED. I was hiding.


Deep down, i really really want to be friends with you. i really really wanna have normal dorky or goofy conversations with you... i don't think i've had a chance to experience that with you in real life.

So when it seemed like i was avoiding you because of negative reasons, it wasn't. I don't hate you. I'm not ashamed of you. I was just, trying  to hide from you. Cause i was the one who is ashamed.






Now i know that there's a very minimal chance that you'll read this.

But if you ever do, i hope you don't freak out, cause i know emotional girls tend to freak guys out :P


*sigh*


I'm still hoping. And i love it when you wear that green-ish, blue-ish, turquoise-ish collared shirt with white horizantal stripes.





Much love,
The girl who still thinks about you.

I am back in Miri after my 1 week long escape from reality. I've said the same thing many times on my blogspot, I AM DEPRESSED.

Anyway, the same guy i talked about in my previous post said to me while i was back in KK

"I'm sorry I didn't get to spend time with you"

HAHAHA. Kinda cracks me up really.

You know, having developed feelings for someone is like a flower that grows out of soil. It all starts with a little seed, and with much care and nurturing, it grows.

AND SO, i have been trying to diminish my feelings for him, meaning to say, i just let the flower wilt. and die. Thing is, it's pretty hard, cause this flower is pretty strong i'm telling ya. hahaha :) Very healthy, very "subur", as said in malay. But i guess after time passes by, it dies eventually. Yeah, it's pretty much dead.

But i have to say that there is still that little seed underneath the soil.

Which is why i still sort of light up when i see him. :) But nah, the flower's pretty much dead. HAHA.

Just had the need to let that out.

I'm going to bed now.

Goodnight, to whoever reads this.